Merger Mania

April 1, 2001 — by Per Christensson

In a surprise move today, Adobe Systems announced it would aquire its main competitor, Macromedia. When asked why the merger took place, Adobe replied, "Macromedia has stolen so many of our ideas that we decided to just steal their entire company." After finding out about the merger, Apple Computer decided to jump on the bandwagon and aquire the new Adobe-Macromedia entity. In a press conference, Steve Jobs stated, "Without those two companies, we would have gone under a long time ago. I just felt it was my duty to pay them back by buying them out." Two hours later, 5000 job cuts were made and 2000 employees received notices saying they would be working full time on Apple's new operating system, Mac OS X.

Shortly after Apple's announcement, Bill Gates saw his chance. After just three hours, Microsoft completed a hostile takeover of Apple's new company. Apparently, Gates paid for it in cash. When asked why he bought the new and improved Apple company, Gates replied, "It's really no secret that our innovation and graphics departments suck. I think this is a step in the right direction." Immediately after the announcement, Macintosh fans around the world began rioting and pirating Microsoft software. Gate's innovation team creatively named the new company "Microsoft."

Just when news teams across the globe thought that this merger fiasco was over, a new player stepped into the arena. About an hour ago, the anouncement was made that the new Microsoft company, now known as "Microsoft," was being aquired by Sony, who saw this as a "golden opportunity to reach the company's goal of world domination." After all, everybody owns something made by Sony. But it doesn't end there. Just a few minutes ago, Sony announced that it had just been taken over by Yamaha, who makes musical instruments, professional audio products, snowmobiles, watercraft, factory automation products, and tennis racquets. In the press release, Yamaha spokesperson, Yee Chong Ku, said, "We make everything; this is just icing on the cake."

So, as the current situation stands, the world is now being held hostile by Yamaha Corporation. Though this may seem like a horrible string of events, most analysts believe it could have been worse. "Hey, at least we're not all hostages of Funai or Symphonic," said one Wall Street reporter. According to Bloomberg news correspondent, John Johnson, "Thank goodness Radio Shack didn't get involved. People only go there to buy cables and connectors."

So there you have it. The latest news -- straight from Sharpened.net. As always, sharpening your knowledge of computers and the Internet. Happy April Fools' Day.